This is the story of Grant. Grant is the only boy I've ever been in love with, and this was the only time I've ever had my heart broken. It was not good for my depression. I spent nearly an entire year so sick and so sad. My friends were very worried. I spent more time with my friends in 2009 than I ever had before. I think they were worried that if I wasn't with them, I would do something stupid. That may be true. I didn't care to live after everything went down, and I never thought I would ever feel better. I do now, in fact, 2010 was one of the happiest years of my life, and that has continued into 2011 (minus the past few weeks of May).
Alright, here goes:
So, this starts around September of 2008, just after my 18th birthday and my first quarter in college. It was also my brothers’ first year in high school and my parents were a bit worried about their grades, they aren’t the most inspired students. While they were in 8th grade, my parents had one of my friends tutor them in preparation for high school, however he moved to Santa Barbara for school when he graduated, so my mom asked if I knew anyone who could potentially tutor them who was still in La Verne. There were two people I could think of, Grant was one, Jameel was the other. My parents love Jameel but he’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so they talked to Grant, worked out a schedule and he started tutoring them 2-3 times a week.
Well, I didn’t get along with my roommate very well and eventually moved back home, so I spent a lot of time at home. Grant and I had been friends since fourth grade. We grew apart a bit over that summer and especially while I was away at school, but when I moved back home we reconnected. I mean, he was at our house a few days out of the week for two hours at a time. So I saw a lot of him.
Well, it mostly started as in between homework assignments we’d flirt a bit, and we texted a lot. We met up for lunch a couple of times but didn’t really do anything else. It was safe, but fun. Eventually he started staying at my house, even after my brothers were done with their homework, mostly just so we could hang out. My brothers were always home, so we never did anything serious, and most often just sat on the couch watching tv, or playing video games.
At the end of December/early January is when things got really exciting. I don’t know what really changed, or how it changed or what, but we didn’t even try hiding it from my parents or brothers anymore. He’d come over even on days he wasn’t supposed to be tutoring my brothers, just to hang out. We’d stay up until 2am talking (on the phone, text, aim, etc).
I realized, probably the second week of January (09) that I really liked him. And that’s bullshit. I didn’t really like him. I was completely in love with him. I also started to realize that, although he liked me and was attracted to me, he did not feel as strongly toward me as I did him. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything sooner, but because I didn’t, I spent almost an entire year trying to get over him. I don’t regret anything. And we are still very good friends, possibly closer friends because of everything that we’ve been through, but for a long time I really hated myself for not saying anything.
So anyway, I was completely head over heels in love with him, and he was mostly just looking for a fuck buddy. January 22nd rolls around (a Thursday), and my parents and brothers are out for the night at a basketball game. Convenient? Yes. So, of course, Grant comes over and we hook up. Fun.
Grant goes home, I make myself dinner, watch Grey’s Anatomy, finish homework and go to sleep. Friday morning I wake up and my first thought is “oh shit.”
It wasn’t an “oh shit” what have I done, regret everything. It was more of an “oh shit” what the fuck are you doing, you’re heart is in this and his isn’t.
It rained that Friday. That isn’t an important fact, and it has nothing to do with the story, but it’s something I remember. It was a cold, rainy day.
My brothers had another game that Friday and so my family was gone again, and he came over. Nothing happened. We sat, awkwardly in my family room. We hardly spoke to each other, and after about an hour he went home.
So yeah, I wasn’t a happy person. I wasn’t angry at him, and not even at myself really, just kind of angry. I took it out on him though, and I don’t feel like I can ever apologize enough for that. I kind of went crazy on him actually. I didn’t expect we’d ever speak again, and have no idea how we’re friends now. I guess we both acted really stupid.
So for the rest of January we kind of avoided each other. I didn’t really know what to say or do, and he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. I didn’t want to be in love with him. I have never really thought relationships were all that special. I didn’t think it was important to “be in a relationship” just to show that you cared for someone. And my brain didn’t want a relationship. But my heart felt like it had been ripped to pieces. I knew that if we hooked up again I’d feel like the stupidest person on the planet. It was like I was playing games with my own heart, because I knew where he stood. And I only had myself to blame, he had no idea how I felt.
February 6th, the movie He’s Just Not That Into You came out, and I went to go see it with my best friend at the time, Courtney. After the movie, as if I was completely ignoring the message of the film, I texted him. We hadn’t spoken in almost a week (when he came over to tutor my brothers I stayed in my room). Anyway, we talked for a bit, and I told him how I felt, and why I felt like I needed to be away from him. He said he had no idea, and was sorry but only wanted to hook up. I told him I knew that already, but wasn’t sure that I could be okay with that.
We went back to being awkward. When he got accepted into SLO (his #1 choice for school) I congratulated him and gave him a hug, and on his birthday I texted him, but really we didn’t talk much for months. Neither of us knew what to say to the other.
In June, he started dating this girl, Jami. She was apparently nice, but very young. (He had turned 18 in May, she was 15). I was really hurt by that, not because I wanted to date him, but because he had gone into this long explanation to me about why he only wanted to hook up, and now he was dating this baby. I don’t know if it’s the right word, but I felt kind of betrayed. I tried talking to him about it, but his response was “I don’t think it’s smart for us to talk anymore.” I wanted to say, “well fuck you too, Grant” but held back and told him I understood.
July-December we didn’t speak at all. I was pretty heartbroken over the loss of my friend, but was otherwise okay.
Then New Years Eve going in to 2010, I went to a party, and it was kind of lame. I left and came home and actually spent NYE by myself (my family was asleep) and watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve with my dog. Shortly after midnight, I went to sleep and as lame as that sounds, it was actually the best New Years I’ve ever had.
The next morning I woke up (so now we’re in 2010) and everything was good. It’s seriously cliché, but I spent so much of 2009 being hurt and angry, and on January 1st of this year I woke up and Grant was not the first thing I thought about. It was wonderful.
I waited a few weeks, and then took a chance and texted him. It only said “hi.” I actually didn’t expect a response back, but he texted me back and asked me how I had been. We slowly (immensely slowly because he was still with Jami) and cautiously started building our friendship again. By April he and I were pretty much back to normal (normal being before any of this happened). Toward the end of April he and Jami “took a break.” I say that in quotations because I never really understood what that meant, or what the deal was. He said that she was young (truth) and wanted to grow up a bit before she had a serious relationship. Anyway, he said they were not together, but that he still loved her and they would eventually get back together. He made it perfectly clear however, that he was allowed to “see other people.”
So yeah. Everything was back to normal. We’d flirt, and have fun and everything seemd great. Around Thanksgiving he started acting weird, and the second week of December he told me that he and Jami were getting back together, so we had to end our little charade. But we are friends, and we do still talk.
Before Grant I was kind of the girl who sat in the back of the class and ate her hair. (I never ate my hair, but I was the really shy, awkward, innocent girl who sat in the back of the class and read). He remains the only boy I’ve ever fallen in love with, and the only boy who completely shattered my heart.
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