I'm sorry, but...

I don't know where we go from here.
I don't know where here is.
I don't know what to suggest next.

I feel forgotten.

The past few days have been much, much better than the past few weeks.

I think it's because I'm not worried about J leaving me behind. I'm not worried about him at all. I kind of decided to give it a week, and if I was still feeling better, trying to talk to him again. But E thinks that may be too soon.

She said: With friendship being the goal?
L: Yes.
E: There would still be the issue of he and D.
L: He knows I think he's an idiot about that. But what can I do?
E: I think I'd give it more time.
L: Meh.
E: I know. It's not realistic.
L: It isn't. I have to work with him. With both of them.
E: I just wonder if it'd be worth the effort on your part if he's going to be stupid. Working together is one thing, but maintaining that closeness takes two.
L: And he's only been working to be close to her. Which almost hurts more. Like, it was one thing when he had the gf before our friendship. But she came after. I feel forgotten.
E: His loyalties are skewed.

So, I don't know. I do, really feel forgotten. Even when we talk, all he wants to talk about is his new relationship. Which is nice, and I'm his friend, so I'm okay with that, to an extent. But, come on. There are other things going on in both of our lives that should matter. My life doesn't revolve around his girlfriend. I'm glad things are going great with her, but because of that, things aren't going great with us. And that's not fair.

PS. I'm going back red. Being a Weasley was way too much fun. :)

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I asked Jaime if we could take a break from our friendship. He was for lack of a better term, heartbroken, but he said he understood.

I've been trying to fix whatever it is that is wrong in our friendship, rather than focus on myself, and fix what is wrong in myself. All my efforts have gone to him, and I'm wearing myself out.

So, until I feel like I am ready (which he said would probably be the hardest part: "I've lost a friend, and I don't know for how long. No, it doesn't matter for how long. I've never lost someone I've called best friend before. I'm sad.") we won't be spending time together or talking.

I did write him a letter yesterday, and left it on his car. And I said that if it would help him, we could just write letters, back and forth. I think that's what we'll be doing. Just staying distant for a while.

On a happier note, I've come up with a new idea for a tattoo. I'm in love with it. I've always wanted some tattoo for Harry Potter, and had always thought the Hogwarts crest was what it would be, and I may still get that. But now, I'm getting a wand (most likely Sirius's). The wand will be in color, and on my right foot, kind of on the side, near the ball of my foot. Out of the wand (and this is the best part) in UV ink, I want the word spell, lumos. It will literally glow, and always remind me that there is light in the darkness. I am so in love with the idea.

Yesterday, I also told my manager, Sara, about my depression. We went to dinner and I cried at the table with her, and told her I just felt like I needed to tell someone at work, and apologize because I haven't felt like my shifts in the last few weeks have been my strongest. I'm so glad that she knows now.

Well, I'm off. Going to try to see if I can go to Disneyland tonight with my best friend. It's been way too long since we've gone.

I won't be your project.

When I'm happy, no one would ever assume I was sick. But that's the thing, isn't it? No one would assume anyone would want to wake up in the morning and wish they would die if they're happy.

But when I'm sad, I can't hide it for long.

Today, in my deviance and control discussion, we were talking about depression. I was obviously uncomfortable. And in a room full of sociologists, that's dangerous.

Normally, I'd be fine to give information and have a discussion, and act professional.

But now my TA knows. He watched me all class. He saw how uncomfortable I was.

He came to me after class and asked me if I was okay. I almost cried. I told him the discussion was hard, but honest.

He asked me if I was getting help. I told him about my parents and how they can't admit that their daughter might be sick. That depression is an "adult disease" and being 20 isn't adult enough.

He told me to go to the counselors on campus. He wants me to get help, and drugs. Now he says he is worried about me. Now he looks at me like I'm a sick puppy. This is why I don't tell people.

He won't let me be. He's going to ask me next week if I have gone to the counselors.

I know his intentions are good.

But I was doing fine on my own. I don't want to be anyone's pet project.

Nonstop.

He posted something on his Tumblr about being happy but feeling empty. I thought it was about him, until I read further.

He posted something about me.
And I hate him for it.

It isn't fair. He isn't allowed to do this to me. He isn't allowed to have this kind of effect on me. He's supposed to be my friend, to make it better. He's supposed to make me forget, not make it worse.

But it is worse around him.

He used to make it better. He used to make me forget. And now? I don't want to be around him. I miss my friend, but he isn't there anymore...

Maybe it's me that isn't there anymore. But no one else has changed. No one else has treated me differently. No one else has pushed me to the side.

I'm not saying I need to be the most important thing in his life. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not someone he gets to claim. We've had that talk. We're just friends—close friends, but just friends. But he isn't treating me like a friend anymore. He's still treating me like a sick puppy. Or, even worse, he doesn't treat me like anything at all.

I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself through this. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm trying so hard to make this work. He's trying so hard to make his relationship with his girlfriend work. He's pushed me away and I can't take it anymore. I won't let him blame this on me anymore.

Sometimes, change is everything.

I miss my life.
Everything is changing.
I don't like it.

Bad day

I don't want to go to the trainer meeting.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to be alive today.