I don't know where we go from here.
I don't know where here is.
I don't know what to suggest next.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I feel forgotten.
The past few days have been much, much better than the past few weeks.
I think it's because I'm not worried about J leaving me behind. I'm not worried about him at all. I kind of decided to give it a week, and if I was still feeling better, trying to talk to him again. But E thinks that may be too soon.
She said: With friendship being the goal?
L: Yes.
E: There would still be the issue of he and D.
L: He knows I think he's an idiot about that. But what can I do?
E: I think I'd give it more time.
L: Meh.
E: I know. It's not realistic.
L: It isn't. I have to work with him. With both of them.
E: I just wonder if it'd be worth the effort on your part if he's going to be stupid. Working together is one thing, but maintaining that closeness takes two.
L: And he's only been working to be close to her. Which almost hurts more. Like, it was one thing when he had the gf before our friendship. But she came after. I feel forgotten.
E: His loyalties are skewed.
So, I don't know. I do, really feel forgotten. Even when we talk, all he wants to talk about is his new relationship. Which is nice, and I'm his friend, so I'm okay with that, to an extent. But, come on. There are other things going on in both of our lives that should matter. My life doesn't revolve around his girlfriend. I'm glad things are going great with her, but because of that, things aren't going great with us. And that's not fair.
PS. I'm going back red. Being a Weasley was way too much fun. :)
I think it's because I'm not worried about J leaving me behind. I'm not worried about him at all. I kind of decided to give it a week, and if I was still feeling better, trying to talk to him again. But E thinks that may be too soon.
She said: With friendship being the goal?
L: Yes.
E: There would still be the issue of he and D.
L: He knows I think he's an idiot about that. But what can I do?
E: I think I'd give it more time.
L: Meh.
E: I know. It's not realistic.
L: It isn't. I have to work with him. With both of them.
E: I just wonder if it'd be worth the effort on your part if he's going to be stupid. Working together is one thing, but maintaining that closeness takes two.
L: And he's only been working to be close to her. Which almost hurts more. Like, it was one thing when he had the gf before our friendship. But she came after. I feel forgotten.
E: His loyalties are skewed.
So, I don't know. I do, really feel forgotten. Even when we talk, all he wants to talk about is his new relationship. Which is nice, and I'm his friend, so I'm okay with that, to an extent. But, come on. There are other things going on in both of our lives that should matter. My life doesn't revolve around his girlfriend. I'm glad things are going great with her, but because of that, things aren't going great with us. And that's not fair.
PS. I'm going back red. Being a Weasley was way too much fun. :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I asked Jaime if we could take a break from our friendship. He was for lack of a better term, heartbroken, but he said he understood.
I've been trying to fix whatever it is that is wrong in our friendship, rather than focus on myself, and fix what is wrong in myself. All my efforts have gone to him, and I'm wearing myself out.
So, until I feel like I am ready (which he said would probably be the hardest part: "I've lost a friend, and I don't know for how long. No, it doesn't matter for how long. I've never lost someone I've called best friend before. I'm sad.") we won't be spending time together or talking.
I did write him a letter yesterday, and left it on his car. And I said that if it would help him, we could just write letters, back and forth. I think that's what we'll be doing. Just staying distant for a while.
On a happier note, I've come up with a new idea for a tattoo. I'm in love with it. I've always wanted some tattoo for Harry Potter, and had always thought the Hogwarts crest was what it would be, and I may still get that. But now, I'm getting a wand (most likely Sirius's). The wand will be in color, and on my right foot, kind of on the side, near the ball of my foot. Out of the wand (and this is the best part) in UV ink, I want theword spell, lumos. It will literally glow, and always remind me that there is light in the darkness. I am so in love with the idea.
Yesterday, I also told my manager, Sara, about my depression. We went to dinner and I cried at the table with her, and told her I just felt like I needed to tell someone at work, and apologize because I haven't felt like my shifts in the last few weeks have been my strongest. I'm so glad that she knows now.
Well, I'm off. Going to try to see if I can go to Disneyland tonight with my best friend. It's been way too long since we've gone.
I've been trying to fix whatever it is that is wrong in our friendship, rather than focus on myself, and fix what is wrong in myself. All my efforts have gone to him, and I'm wearing myself out.
So, until I feel like I am ready (which he said would probably be the hardest part: "I've lost a friend, and I don't know for how long. No, it doesn't matter for how long. I've never lost someone I've called best friend before. I'm sad.") we won't be spending time together or talking.
I did write him a letter yesterday, and left it on his car. And I said that if it would help him, we could just write letters, back and forth. I think that's what we'll be doing. Just staying distant for a while.
On a happier note, I've come up with a new idea for a tattoo. I'm in love with it. I've always wanted some tattoo for Harry Potter, and had always thought the Hogwarts crest was what it would be, and I may still get that. But now, I'm getting a wand (most likely Sirius's). The wand will be in color, and on my right foot, kind of on the side, near the ball of my foot. Out of the wand (and this is the best part) in UV ink, I want the
Yesterday, I also told my manager, Sara, about my depression. We went to dinner and I cried at the table with her, and told her I just felt like I needed to tell someone at work, and apologize because I haven't felt like my shifts in the last few weeks have been my strongest. I'm so glad that she knows now.
Well, I'm off. Going to try to see if I can go to Disneyland tonight with my best friend. It's been way too long since we've gone.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I won't be your project.
When I'm happy, no one would ever assume I was sick. But that's the thing, isn't it? No one would assume anyone would want to wake up in the morning and wish they would die if they're happy.
But when I'm sad, I can't hide it for long.
Today, in my deviance and control discussion, we were talking about depression. I was obviously uncomfortable. And in a room full of sociologists, that's dangerous.
Normally, I'd be fine to give information and have a discussion, and act professional.
But now my TA knows. He watched me all class. He saw how uncomfortable I was.
He came to me after class and asked me if I was okay. I almost cried. I told him the discussion was hard, but honest.
He asked me if I was getting help. I told him about my parents and how they can't admit that their daughter might be sick. That depression is an "adult disease" and being 20 isn't adult enough.
He told me to go to the counselors on campus. He wants me to get help, and drugs. Now he says he is worried about me. Now he looks at me like I'm a sick puppy. This is why I don't tell people.
He won't let me be. He's going to ask me next week if I have gone to the counselors.
I know his intentions are good.
But I was doing fine on my own. I don't want to be anyone's pet project.
But when I'm sad, I can't hide it for long.
Today, in my deviance and control discussion, we were talking about depression. I was obviously uncomfortable. And in a room full of sociologists, that's dangerous.
Normally, I'd be fine to give information and have a discussion, and act professional.
But now my TA knows. He watched me all class. He saw how uncomfortable I was.
He came to me after class and asked me if I was okay. I almost cried. I told him the discussion was hard, but honest.
He asked me if I was getting help. I told him about my parents and how they can't admit that their daughter might be sick. That depression is an "adult disease" and being 20 isn't adult enough.
He told me to go to the counselors on campus. He wants me to get help, and drugs. Now he says he is worried about me. Now he looks at me like I'm a sick puppy. This is why I don't tell people.
He won't let me be. He's going to ask me next week if I have gone to the counselors.
I know his intentions are good.
But I was doing fine on my own. I don't want to be anyone's pet project.
Nonstop.
He posted something on his Tumblr about being happy but feeling empty. I thought it was about him, until I read further.
He posted something about me.
And I hate him for it.
It isn't fair. He isn't allowed to do this to me. He isn't allowed to have this kind of effect on me. He's supposed to be my friend, to make it better. He's supposed to make me forget, not make it worse.
But it is worse around him.
He used to make it better. He used to make me forget. And now? I don't want to be around him. I miss my friend, but he isn't there anymore...
Maybe it's me that isn't there anymore. But no one else has changed. No one else has treated me differently. No one else has pushed me to the side.
I'm not saying I need to be the most important thing in his life. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not someone he gets to claim. We've had that talk. We're just friends—close friends, but just friends. But he isn't treating me like a friend anymore. He's still treating me like a sick puppy. Or, even worse, he doesn't treat me like anything at all.
I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself through this. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm trying so hard to make this work. He's trying so hard to make his relationship with his girlfriend work. He's pushed me away and I can't take it anymore. I won't let him blame this on me anymore.
He posted something about me.
And I hate him for it.
It isn't fair. He isn't allowed to do this to me. He isn't allowed to have this kind of effect on me. He's supposed to be my friend, to make it better. He's supposed to make me forget, not make it worse.
But it is worse around him.
He used to make it better. He used to make me forget. And now? I don't want to be around him. I miss my friend, but he isn't there anymore...
Maybe it's me that isn't there anymore. But no one else has changed. No one else has treated me differently. No one else has pushed me to the side.
I'm not saying I need to be the most important thing in his life. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not someone he gets to claim. We've had that talk. We're just friends—close friends, but just friends. But he isn't treating me like a friend anymore. He's still treating me like a sick puppy. Or, even worse, he doesn't treat me like anything at all.
I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself through this. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm trying so hard to make this work. He's trying so hard to make his relationship with his girlfriend work. He's pushed me away and I can't take it anymore. I won't let him blame this on me anymore.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Bad day
I don't want to go to the trainer meeting.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to be alive today.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to be alive today.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I've promised you this post on DB.
So, I suppose it’s time you all learn about Daniel. Long story short, he’s one of my managers, and is very much against the rules.
Daniel is gorgeous. He’s tall, has beautiful blue-green eyes, and has a smile that can make anyone’s day better. His hair, a dirty blonde, is lighter than my usual type, but it just matches him so much, I don’t care.
As if that wasn’t enough, Daniel makes me forget everything bad in the world. He makes me forget when I’m sad. He makes me smile every day. He makes me laugh, even when I don’t want to. He can somehow tell when I’m having a bad day (and I am pretty damn good about hiding it at work) and he does everything in his power to make me laugh, to make those few hours I’m at work wonderful.
I joke at work that I’m in love with him. My coworkers and other managers know that I have a crush on him. But they all believe it’s just a little girl crush.
Only Jaime knows the truth. Well, him and a few people outside of PB.
I want to spend the rest of my life with D. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would in a heartbeat.
Even Grant didn’t have this affect on me. I was head over heels in love with Grant, but even he wasn’t able to brighten a dark day.
Essentially, I’m physically attracted to him. He’ll tell me some dirty joke, or catch something I’ll say as a “that’s what she said” and I’ll immediately get wet. And then I’m emotionally attached. And people I know will tell you that I don’t get my emotions mixed up in things. I’ve only been this strongly attached to someone once before, and he had been my friend for 9 years at the time. I’ve known D for less than one year. And yet, I’d hate to lose him. It would crush me, even to lose whatever you’d call us now. Which is nothing. He’s my manager. We could lose our jobs for becoming friends outside of work. And I want to be so much more.
Daniel is gorgeous. He’s tall, has beautiful blue-green eyes, and has a smile that can make anyone’s day better. His hair, a dirty blonde, is lighter than my usual type, but it just matches him so much, I don’t care.
As if that wasn’t enough, Daniel makes me forget everything bad in the world. He makes me forget when I’m sad. He makes me smile every day. He makes me laugh, even when I don’t want to. He can somehow tell when I’m having a bad day (and I am pretty damn good about hiding it at work) and he does everything in his power to make me laugh, to make those few hours I’m at work wonderful.
I joke at work that I’m in love with him. My coworkers and other managers know that I have a crush on him. But they all believe it’s just a little girl crush.
Only Jaime knows the truth. Well, him and a few people outside of PB.
I want to spend the rest of my life with D. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would in a heartbeat.
Even Grant didn’t have this affect on me. I was head over heels in love with Grant, but even he wasn’t able to brighten a dark day.
Essentially, I’m physically attracted to him. He’ll tell me some dirty joke, or catch something I’ll say as a “that’s what she said” and I’ll immediately get wet. And then I’m emotionally attached. And people I know will tell you that I don’t get my emotions mixed up in things. I’ve only been this strongly attached to someone once before, and he had been my friend for 9 years at the time. I’ve known D for less than one year. And yet, I’d hate to lose him. It would crush me, even to lose whatever you’d call us now. Which is nothing. He’s my manager. We could lose our jobs for becoming friends outside of work. And I want to be so much more.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I miss my friend.
Things are way, way, way better.
And I understand WHY we don't talk as much, and why we aren't hanging out as much. And as much as I disagree with it, I respect it.
But it sucks. I understood why, when he was with his ex, we didn't talk. She didn't even like the idea of us being friends. So, fine. He had to hide our friendship or risk losing the girl he thought he loved.
But this girl knows how close we are. He told her that I was his best friend. She's glad he has me. So, I don't understand why, when he's with her, I get completely ignored. Or why, we don't hang out anymore.
He says it's inappropriate. He says he wouldn't want her hanging out with some guy alone, and potentially late. But, that's just how our friendship works. We're just that comfortable around each other, and we lose track of time.
It just sucks being ignored I guess. I feel forgotten. I tried to convince myself that she's more important. Somehow. I even told her that. And she told me that was untrue. That we were equally important. Ugh. Not helpful.
Other than this, the past few days have been good ones. I worked an amazing shift yesterday, and got to see Daniel, which totally made my week. And then today I went to the park with the best and my niece. Gosh, I love that little girl.
Tomorrow I work a breakfast shift. I'm really not excited about it. I've really hated my schedule for the past few weeks. And even though I've repeatedly asked for it to be changed, it hasn't been. And though I said that Sunday was THE ONE DAY I really, really, really didn't want to be a breakfast shift, alas, tomorrow I'm breakfast. Ugh. Worst part is, I don't know who the manager is, and I think it's Janna. And I REALLY don't want to deal with her shit. It'd be nice if it was Sara. I know it isn't Daniel. He doesn't work Sundays or Mondays. Boo.
I think I'm going to head off to sleep now. At 8:45 on a Saturday. I'm like an old woman.
And I understand WHY we don't talk as much, and why we aren't hanging out as much. And as much as I disagree with it, I respect it.
But it sucks. I understood why, when he was with his ex, we didn't talk. She didn't even like the idea of us being friends. So, fine. He had to hide our friendship or risk losing the girl he thought he loved.
But this girl knows how close we are. He told her that I was his best friend. She's glad he has me. So, I don't understand why, when he's with her, I get completely ignored. Or why, we don't hang out anymore.
He says it's inappropriate. He says he wouldn't want her hanging out with some guy alone, and potentially late. But, that's just how our friendship works. We're just that comfortable around each other, and we lose track of time.
It just sucks being ignored I guess. I feel forgotten. I tried to convince myself that she's more important. Somehow. I even told her that. And she told me that was untrue. That we were equally important. Ugh. Not helpful.
Other than this, the past few days have been good ones. I worked an amazing shift yesterday, and got to see Daniel, which totally made my week. And then today I went to the park with the best and my niece. Gosh, I love that little girl.
Tomorrow I work a breakfast shift. I'm really not excited about it. I've really hated my schedule for the past few weeks. And even though I've repeatedly asked for it to be changed, it hasn't been. And though I said that Sunday was THE ONE DAY I really, really, really didn't want to be a breakfast shift, alas, tomorrow I'm breakfast. Ugh. Worst part is, I don't know who the manager is, and I think it's Janna. And I REALLY don't want to deal with her shit. It'd be nice if it was Sara. I know it isn't Daniel. He doesn't work Sundays or Mondays. Boo.
I think I'm going to head off to sleep now. At 8:45 on a Saturday. I'm like an old woman.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Yesterday was a great day.
I woke up yesterday feeling amazing. Which was fantastic. It was my first good day in weeks.
I got everything that I needed to get done, done, was able to register for classes for fall, and just felt happy. To celebrate Jaime and I went to sushi, which was amazing, and then I went for a run. Though I was bummed, because between my foot bothering me and my sports bra deciding it didn't want to work, I wasn't able to do the six miles I had planned, nor was I even able to run, only power walk, it was still great.
Yesterday was a great day.
Today, I woke up kind of sad. I told J about it, and knew that once I got to work I'd be better, since I'd see Daniel.
I love D so much. He always makes me forget that I've been sad. He always makes me laugh or smile, and works harder to do so if he can tell I'm upset. And he doesn't even know. He just thinks I had a bad day or something. But he still tries to make me happy.
I think I'm getting into that too much. I have a separate post just on him planned out already.
Anyway, he basically turned my day around, and now I'm feeling great again. I'm going to try that six again tonight, and tomorrow I have a day off...of EVERYTHING. Haven't had one of those in a long time. I'm very much looking forward to doing nothing tomorrow.
I got everything that I needed to get done, done, was able to register for classes for fall, and just felt happy. To celebrate Jaime and I went to sushi, which was amazing, and then I went for a run. Though I was bummed, because between my foot bothering me and my sports bra deciding it didn't want to work, I wasn't able to do the six miles I had planned, nor was I even able to run, only power walk, it was still great.
Yesterday was a great day.
Today, I woke up kind of sad. I told J about it, and knew that once I got to work I'd be better, since I'd see Daniel.
I love D so much. He always makes me forget that I've been sad. He always makes me laugh or smile, and works harder to do so if he can tell I'm upset. And he doesn't even know. He just thinks I had a bad day or something. But he still tries to make me happy.
I think I'm getting into that too much. I have a separate post just on him planned out already.
Anyway, he basically turned my day around, and now I'm feeling great again. I'm going to try that six again tonight, and tomorrow I have a day off...of EVERYTHING. Haven't had one of those in a long time. I'm very much looking forward to doing nothing tomorrow.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Broken Hearts and Depression don't mix well
This is the story of Grant. Grant is the only boy I've ever been in love with, and this was the only time I've ever had my heart broken. It was not good for my depression. I spent nearly an entire year so sick and so sad. My friends were very worried. I spent more time with my friends in 2009 than I ever had before. I think they were worried that if I wasn't with them, I would do something stupid. That may be true. I didn't care to live after everything went down, and I never thought I would ever feel better. I do now, in fact, 2010 was one of the happiest years of my life, and that has continued into 2011 (minus the past few weeks of May).
Alright, here goes:
So, this starts around September of 2008, just after my 18th birthday and my first quarter in college. It was also my brothers’ first year in high school and my parents were a bit worried about their grades, they aren’t the most inspired students. While they were in 8th grade, my parents had one of my friends tutor them in preparation for high school, however he moved to Santa Barbara for school when he graduated, so my mom asked if I knew anyone who could potentially tutor them who was still in La Verne. There were two people I could think of, Grant was one, Jameel was the other. My parents love Jameel but he’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so they talked to Grant, worked out a schedule and he started tutoring them 2-3 times a week.
Well, I didn’t get along with my roommate very well and eventually moved back home, so I spent a lot of time at home. Grant and I had been friends since fourth grade. We grew apart a bit over that summer and especially while I was away at school, but when I moved back home we reconnected. I mean, he was at our house a few days out of the week for two hours at a time. So I saw a lot of him.
Well, it mostly started as in between homework assignments we’d flirt a bit, and we texted a lot. We met up for lunch a couple of times but didn’t really do anything else. It was safe, but fun. Eventually he started staying at my house, even after my brothers were done with their homework, mostly just so we could hang out. My brothers were always home, so we never did anything serious, and most often just sat on the couch watching tv, or playing video games.
At the end of December/early January is when things got really exciting. I don’t know what really changed, or how it changed or what, but we didn’t even try hiding it from my parents or brothers anymore. He’d come over even on days he wasn’t supposed to be tutoring my brothers, just to hang out. We’d stay up until 2am talking (on the phone, text, aim, etc).
I realized, probably the second week of January (09) that I really liked him. And that’s bullshit. I didn’t really like him. I was completely in love with him. I also started to realize that, although he liked me and was attracted to me, he did not feel as strongly toward me as I did him. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything sooner, but because I didn’t, I spent almost an entire year trying to get over him. I don’t regret anything. And we are still very good friends, possibly closer friends because of everything that we’ve been through, but for a long time I really hated myself for not saying anything.
So anyway, I was completely head over heels in love with him, and he was mostly just looking for a fuck buddy. January 22nd rolls around (a Thursday), and my parents and brothers are out for the night at a basketball game. Convenient? Yes. So, of course, Grant comes over and we hook up. Fun.
Grant goes home, I make myself dinner, watch Grey’s Anatomy, finish homework and go to sleep. Friday morning I wake up and my first thought is “oh shit.”
It wasn’t an “oh shit” what have I done, regret everything. It was more of an “oh shit” what the fuck are you doing, you’re heart is in this and his isn’t.
It rained that Friday. That isn’t an important fact, and it has nothing to do with the story, but it’s something I remember. It was a cold, rainy day.
My brothers had another game that Friday and so my family was gone again, and he came over. Nothing happened. We sat, awkwardly in my family room. We hardly spoke to each other, and after about an hour he went home.
So yeah, I wasn’t a happy person. I wasn’t angry at him, and not even at myself really, just kind of angry. I took it out on him though, and I don’t feel like I can ever apologize enough for that. I kind of went crazy on him actually. I didn’t expect we’d ever speak again, and have no idea how we’re friends now. I guess we both acted really stupid.
So for the rest of January we kind of avoided each other. I didn’t really know what to say or do, and he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. I didn’t want to be in love with him. I have never really thought relationships were all that special. I didn’t think it was important to “be in a relationship” just to show that you cared for someone. And my brain didn’t want a relationship. But my heart felt like it had been ripped to pieces. I knew that if we hooked up again I’d feel like the stupidest person on the planet. It was like I was playing games with my own heart, because I knew where he stood. And I only had myself to blame, he had no idea how I felt.
February 6th, the movie He’s Just Not That Into You came out, and I went to go see it with my best friend at the time, Courtney. After the movie, as if I was completely ignoring the message of the film, I texted him. We hadn’t spoken in almost a week (when he came over to tutor my brothers I stayed in my room). Anyway, we talked for a bit, and I told him how I felt, and why I felt like I needed to be away from him. He said he had no idea, and was sorry but only wanted to hook up. I told him I knew that already, but wasn’t sure that I could be okay with that.
We went back to being awkward. When he got accepted into SLO (his #1 choice for school) I congratulated him and gave him a hug, and on his birthday I texted him, but really we didn’t talk much for months. Neither of us knew what to say to the other.
In June, he started dating this girl, Jami. She was apparently nice, but very young. (He had turned 18 in May, she was 15). I was really hurt by that, not because I wanted to date him, but because he had gone into this long explanation to me about why he only wanted to hook up, and now he was dating this baby. I don’t know if it’s the right word, but I felt kind of betrayed. I tried talking to him about it, but his response was “I don’t think it’s smart for us to talk anymore.” I wanted to say, “well fuck you too, Grant” but held back and told him I understood.
July-December we didn’t speak at all. I was pretty heartbroken over the loss of my friend, but was otherwise okay.
Then New Years Eve going in to 2010, I went to a party, and it was kind of lame. I left and came home and actually spent NYE by myself (my family was asleep) and watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve with my dog. Shortly after midnight, I went to sleep and as lame as that sounds, it was actually the best New Years I’ve ever had.
The next morning I woke up (so now we’re in 2010) and everything was good. It’s seriously cliché, but I spent so much of 2009 being hurt and angry, and on January 1st of this year I woke up and Grant was not the first thing I thought about. It was wonderful.
I waited a few weeks, and then took a chance and texted him. It only said “hi.” I actually didn’t expect a response back, but he texted me back and asked me how I had been. We slowly (immensely slowly because he was still with Jami) and cautiously started building our friendship again. By April he and I were pretty much back to normal (normal being before any of this happened). Toward the end of April he and Jami “took a break.” I say that in quotations because I never really understood what that meant, or what the deal was. He said that she was young (truth) and wanted to grow up a bit before she had a serious relationship. Anyway, he said they were not together, but that he still loved her and they would eventually get back together. He made it perfectly clear however, that he was allowed to “see other people.”
So yeah. Everything was back to normal. We’d flirt, and have fun and everything seemd great. Around Thanksgiving he started acting weird, and the second week of December he told me that he and Jami were getting back together, so we had to end our little charade. But we are friends, and we do still talk.
Before Grant I was kind of the girl who sat in the back of the class and ate her hair. (I never ate my hair, but I was the really shy, awkward, innocent girl who sat in the back of the class and read). He remains the only boy I’ve ever fallen in love with, and the only boy who completely shattered my heart.
Alright, here goes:
So, this starts around September of 2008, just after my 18th birthday and my first quarter in college. It was also my brothers’ first year in high school and my parents were a bit worried about their grades, they aren’t the most inspired students. While they were in 8th grade, my parents had one of my friends tutor them in preparation for high school, however he moved to Santa Barbara for school when he graduated, so my mom asked if I knew anyone who could potentially tutor them who was still in La Verne. There were two people I could think of, Grant was one, Jameel was the other. My parents love Jameel but he’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so they talked to Grant, worked out a schedule and he started tutoring them 2-3 times a week.
Well, I didn’t get along with my roommate very well and eventually moved back home, so I spent a lot of time at home. Grant and I had been friends since fourth grade. We grew apart a bit over that summer and especially while I was away at school, but when I moved back home we reconnected. I mean, he was at our house a few days out of the week for two hours at a time. So I saw a lot of him.
Well, it mostly started as in between homework assignments we’d flirt a bit, and we texted a lot. We met up for lunch a couple of times but didn’t really do anything else. It was safe, but fun. Eventually he started staying at my house, even after my brothers were done with their homework, mostly just so we could hang out. My brothers were always home, so we never did anything serious, and most often just sat on the couch watching tv, or playing video games.
At the end of December/early January is when things got really exciting. I don’t know what really changed, or how it changed or what, but we didn’t even try hiding it from my parents or brothers anymore. He’d come over even on days he wasn’t supposed to be tutoring my brothers, just to hang out. We’d stay up until 2am talking (on the phone, text, aim, etc).
I realized, probably the second week of January (09) that I really liked him. And that’s bullshit. I didn’t really like him. I was completely in love with him. I also started to realize that, although he liked me and was attracted to me, he did not feel as strongly toward me as I did him. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything sooner, but because I didn’t, I spent almost an entire year trying to get over him. I don’t regret anything. And we are still very good friends, possibly closer friends because of everything that we’ve been through, but for a long time I really hated myself for not saying anything.
So anyway, I was completely head over heels in love with him, and he was mostly just looking for a fuck buddy. January 22nd rolls around (a Thursday), and my parents and brothers are out for the night at a basketball game. Convenient? Yes. So, of course, Grant comes over and we hook up. Fun.
Grant goes home, I make myself dinner, watch Grey’s Anatomy, finish homework and go to sleep. Friday morning I wake up and my first thought is “oh shit.”
It wasn’t an “oh shit” what have I done, regret everything. It was more of an “oh shit” what the fuck are you doing, you’re heart is in this and his isn’t.
It rained that Friday. That isn’t an important fact, and it has nothing to do with the story, but it’s something I remember. It was a cold, rainy day.
My brothers had another game that Friday and so my family was gone again, and he came over. Nothing happened. We sat, awkwardly in my family room. We hardly spoke to each other, and after about an hour he went home.
So yeah, I wasn’t a happy person. I wasn’t angry at him, and not even at myself really, just kind of angry. I took it out on him though, and I don’t feel like I can ever apologize enough for that. I kind of went crazy on him actually. I didn’t expect we’d ever speak again, and have no idea how we’re friends now. I guess we both acted really stupid.
So for the rest of January we kind of avoided each other. I didn’t really know what to say or do, and he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. I didn’t want to be in love with him. I have never really thought relationships were all that special. I didn’t think it was important to “be in a relationship” just to show that you cared for someone. And my brain didn’t want a relationship. But my heart felt like it had been ripped to pieces. I knew that if we hooked up again I’d feel like the stupidest person on the planet. It was like I was playing games with my own heart, because I knew where he stood. And I only had myself to blame, he had no idea how I felt.
February 6th, the movie He’s Just Not That Into You came out, and I went to go see it with my best friend at the time, Courtney. After the movie, as if I was completely ignoring the message of the film, I texted him. We hadn’t spoken in almost a week (when he came over to tutor my brothers I stayed in my room). Anyway, we talked for a bit, and I told him how I felt, and why I felt like I needed to be away from him. He said he had no idea, and was sorry but only wanted to hook up. I told him I knew that already, but wasn’t sure that I could be okay with that.
We went back to being awkward. When he got accepted into SLO (his #1 choice for school) I congratulated him and gave him a hug, and on his birthday I texted him, but really we didn’t talk much for months. Neither of us knew what to say to the other.
In June, he started dating this girl, Jami. She was apparently nice, but very young. (He had turned 18 in May, she was 15). I was really hurt by that, not because I wanted to date him, but because he had gone into this long explanation to me about why he only wanted to hook up, and now he was dating this baby. I don’t know if it’s the right word, but I felt kind of betrayed. I tried talking to him about it, but his response was “I don’t think it’s smart for us to talk anymore.” I wanted to say, “well fuck you too, Grant” but held back and told him I understood.
July-December we didn’t speak at all. I was pretty heartbroken over the loss of my friend, but was otherwise okay.
Then New Years Eve going in to 2010, I went to a party, and it was kind of lame. I left and came home and actually spent NYE by myself (my family was asleep) and watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve with my dog. Shortly after midnight, I went to sleep and as lame as that sounds, it was actually the best New Years I’ve ever had.
The next morning I woke up (so now we’re in 2010) and everything was good. It’s seriously cliché, but I spent so much of 2009 being hurt and angry, and on January 1st of this year I woke up and Grant was not the first thing I thought about. It was wonderful.
I waited a few weeks, and then took a chance and texted him. It only said “hi.” I actually didn’t expect a response back, but he texted me back and asked me how I had been. We slowly (immensely slowly because he was still with Jami) and cautiously started building our friendship again. By April he and I were pretty much back to normal (normal being before any of this happened). Toward the end of April he and Jami “took a break.” I say that in quotations because I never really understood what that meant, or what the deal was. He said that she was young (truth) and wanted to grow up a bit before she had a serious relationship. Anyway, he said they were not together, but that he still loved her and they would eventually get back together. He made it perfectly clear however, that he was allowed to “see other people.”
So yeah. Everything was back to normal. We’d flirt, and have fun and everything seemd great. Around Thanksgiving he started acting weird, and the second week of December he told me that he and Jami were getting back together, so we had to end our little charade. But we are friends, and we do still talk.
Before Grant I was kind of the girl who sat in the back of the class and ate her hair. (I never ate my hair, but I was the really shy, awkward, innocent girl who sat in the back of the class and read). He remains the only boy I’ve ever fallen in love with, and the only boy who completely shattered my heart.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Something in me doesn't trust that he'll stick around.
L: Alright. So, probably gonna regret sending this as soon as I send it. I've been arguing with myself over saying it or not at all for the past few hours.
Something in me doesn't trust that you'll stick around. Not that you don't want to. I believe that you do. I believe you want to do whatever you can to potentially help me and be my friend.
But I just feel like it's too much. Like, if i I don't start feeling better soon--and I have no idea when I will, it could be tomorrow, but it could be next year--that we won't be able to handle it.
Yes, I have this awful tendency to push people away. And that's not what I'm trying to do right now. I don't want you to go anywhere.
But I don't feel any better than I did last night. I feel broken. My heart hurts.
Something in me doesn't trust that you'll stick around. Not that you don't want to. I believe that you do. I believe you want to do whatever you can to potentially help me and be my friend.
But I just feel like it's too much. Like, if i I don't start feeling better soon--and I have no idea when I will, it could be tomorrow, but it could be next year--that we won't be able to handle it.
Yes, I have this awful tendency to push people away. And that's not what I'm trying to do right now. I don't want you to go anywhere.
But I don't feel any better than I did last night. I feel broken. My heart hurts.
I'm a pusher.
No, not a druggie. But maybe if I was, life would be more fun? No. Don't worry, I wouldn't go there. I've had friends who have fallen down that path. I won't go there.
But I have this awful tendency to open up to people that I love, and then get scared and shut down, pushing them away.
I almost lost one of my closest friends for it last night.
I've had my heart broken, once. It was in early 2009. It wasn't his fault, he just didn't feel the same about me, as I felt about him. We had been friends, and then it kind of just happened. One day, I realized I was in love with him. But this is a story for another post.
What I wanted to say, in briefly mentioning having had my heart broken, was that I felt like that again last night. It was a dark place. My entire body was in so much pain. My heart felt like it was being torn into little bits.
It hasn't completely recovered. I'm still afraid I might lose him.
I don't think that is something I could handle now. This May is battering me like an abusive husband; I can't lose my friend too.
But I have this awful tendency to open up to people that I love, and then get scared and shut down, pushing them away.
I almost lost one of my closest friends for it last night.
I've had my heart broken, once. It was in early 2009. It wasn't his fault, he just didn't feel the same about me, as I felt about him. We had been friends, and then it kind of just happened. One day, I realized I was in love with him. But this is a story for another post.
What I wanted to say, in briefly mentioning having had my heart broken, was that I felt like that again last night. It was a dark place. My entire body was in so much pain. My heart felt like it was being torn into little bits.
It hasn't completely recovered. I'm still afraid I might lose him.
I don't think that is something I could handle now. This May is battering me like an abusive husband; I can't lose my friend too.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Today was a rough one.
After last night crappier than crap shift at work, fighting with one of my closest friends, and getting only two hours of sleep, I was not a happy camper.
So, after FINALLY falling asleep sometime after 4AM, I woke up at 6. Fantastic. Starting my 8AM to 6:30PM on two hours of sleep. Won-der-freaking-ful.
So I shower, and force myself to eat six ginger cookies. (I haven't been eating much at all lately. I couldn't tell you why. I just haven't been hungry. And when I eat a normal meal's worth of food, I get sick). Then I head off to work. I needed to talk to someone about last night.
So I walk into PB, and demand to see my write up from last night. Then demand if Laura's gonna be in the café later. I felt so goddamn awful about how I approached them, especially because it was DB. He didn't deserve it. Of everyone in this world, he didn't deserve me snapping at him. I nearly start crying, and he offers me a hug. Jeez o pete's, why is he so goddamn perfect to me?
I write my nearly page long response to last night's bullshit, then cry and tell Sara everything that happened. She thought the write up was bull, and was pissed about the car situation. I won't even go in to that.
I head off to school. My first discussion is uneventful. My gender lecture, I look for the cute boy I met last week, but he isn't there. After class, I met up with Erin, who I haven't seen in way too long. We had a fantastic conversation about life. Highlight of my day for sure.
Even with the caffeine in me, I'm exhausted during my two o'clock lecture, and to just stay awake I browse my computer, completely ignoring the most important lecture of my day. The next half hour was a blur, and my deviance and control discussion I think I was half asleep for. I ditched lecture.
I came home, hoping to finish, or at least work on my ten page paper due Thursday, or maybe start my statistics homework, also due Thursday, but I had NO energy, nor did I really find that I cared.
Then Jaime and I got into a fight, and I literally felt like my heart was being ripped to shreds. Cried. A lot. Felt guilty for being sick, which I have NEVER felt before. We yelled back and forth at each other in text. I tried calling him, he said he didn't want to talk to me on the phone. I cried more. Confided in Erin. And somehow, J and I are okay now? Yeah, I don't understand us either.
Whatever.
I guess today wasn't as rough as I thought.
Good things that happened today that will keep me going:
1. I had coffee with Erin, who I haven't seen in what seemed like ten years (but was, in actuality, ten weeks).
2. This: And by the way, I almost bought you the Sword of Gryffindor today. But I don't have the money. It's 200 bucks. I hope the thought counts. I was going to do it to help you through this. Because you mean a lot to me. But I couldn't do it because I dont have that cash money.
Lumos.
For me, the past few weeks have been rough.
A friend told me last night:
Your depression is eating you alive. I love you far too much to see you become a cannibal--you can control this. Don't let it consume you. If you let it, you'll have eaten up yourself, every worthless pessimist view of your life, and maybe possible even our friendship.
I need you back. You were the first to let me know my worth. You're worth so much to me. Don't die on me.
I couldn't think of anything to say to him that would make him understand, except to explain to him what depression was, and what it feels like to be depressed.
So I told him:
I'm not sure how to respond except to say this: Imagine your darkest day, how you felt. Now, imagine that it is no longer just one day, but seven. And you're doing everything you can to change it, but that darkness won't go away. It goes on to day eight, and soon it's weeks. Next, months. Sure, you'll have good moments in between, enough to keep you going, but they're short lived. You go back nearly immediately to feeling dark and twisty. You hurt the people who care about you, but can't fix it. You hurt yourself, but can't care. Little makes you feel any lighter. No matter how much you want to change it, or how much you try, it doesn't go away.
And then, randomly, for no reason, one day, it does. And you're happy. So you embrace it. You live it up for as long as it lasts, but there's always that little piece of darkness that you know will eventually come back.
This is my struggle. This is my reality every day. When I feel sad, no matter how much I fight it, there isn't anything I can do to make it go away. So you telling me not to let it consume me? I know that already.
That's my life. That's what I fight every day. Even the good ones. I've been controlling it. But it isn't a monster that just goes away when you turn the light to your bedroom on.
A friend told me last night:
Your depression is eating you alive. I love you far too much to see you become a cannibal--you can control this. Don't let it consume you. If you let it, you'll have eaten up yourself, every worthless pessimist view of your life, and maybe possible even our friendship.
I need you back. You were the first to let me know my worth. You're worth so much to me. Don't die on me.
I couldn't think of anything to say to him that would make him understand, except to explain to him what depression was, and what it feels like to be depressed.
So I told him:
I'm not sure how to respond except to say this: Imagine your darkest day, how you felt. Now, imagine that it is no longer just one day, but seven. And you're doing everything you can to change it, but that darkness won't go away. It goes on to day eight, and soon it's weeks. Next, months. Sure, you'll have good moments in between, enough to keep you going, but they're short lived. You go back nearly immediately to feeling dark and twisty. You hurt the people who care about you, but can't fix it. You hurt yourself, but can't care. Little makes you feel any lighter. No matter how much you want to change it, or how much you try, it doesn't go away.
And then, randomly, for no reason, one day, it does. And you're happy. So you embrace it. You live it up for as long as it lasts, but there's always that little piece of darkness that you know will eventually come back.
This is my struggle. This is my reality every day. When I feel sad, no matter how much I fight it, there isn't anything I can do to make it go away. So you telling me not to let it consume me? I know that already.
That's my life. That's what I fight every day. Even the good ones. I've been controlling it. But it isn't a monster that just goes away when you turn the light to your bedroom on.
Hello.
I'm Lindsay. I'm twenty years young. I live in a beautiful place with beautiful people. I've grown up in an upper-middle class family with a great education, and a wonderful group of friends.
But I have a darkness inside me.
Maybe, it's because it runs in my family--on my father's side. All three of my aunts, my grandmother and father all had it.
Maybe, it's just because being a young adult is hard. Going to school full time, stressing about grades and graduating, working nearly thirty hours a week on top of that, trying to have a social life, but still getting some sleep...
It's most likely some sort of combination of the two, don't you think?
I write to help myself. It's oddly therapeutic. I write to potentially help others. Sometimes, it's comforting to know you aren't the only soldier.
I have a dementor. It sucks the happiness from me and makes me feel cold. It makes me believe that I will never be happy again.
But my patronus is a strong one. A lioness, I imagine. And she won't let the dementor in.
So I welcome you to join me in the fight of this battle, not of Hogwarts, but of myself.
But I have a darkness inside me.
Maybe, it's because it runs in my family--on my father's side. All three of my aunts, my grandmother and father all had it.
Maybe, it's just because being a young adult is hard. Going to school full time, stressing about grades and graduating, working nearly thirty hours a week on top of that, trying to have a social life, but still getting some sleep...
It's most likely some sort of combination of the two, don't you think?
I write to help myself. It's oddly therapeutic. I write to potentially help others. Sometimes, it's comforting to know you aren't the only soldier.
I have a dementor. It sucks the happiness from me and makes me feel cold. It makes me believe that I will never be happy again.
But my patronus is a strong one. A lioness, I imagine. And she won't let the dementor in.
So I welcome you to join me in the fight of this battle, not of Hogwarts, but of myself.
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